Breakfast: one cup rice puffs - 60 cals
splash milk-30 cals
lunch: 2/3 cup roasted broccoli peppers onions and carrots - 50 cals
tomatoes and lettuce "salad"- 20
weight: 102.6 after work
dinner (sigh)- one medium pineapple and green olive pizza from dominos...yeah i ate an entire pizza oink oink lol
...purge purge purge...
weight:102.4 after purge
so all in all i think i fixed the disaster i caused. you are all so right about boytoy, he says he doesnt understand the seriousness of the situation and that if i wanted to stop then i should...and in a way i understand his ignorance to a point, like how i thought i could be ana and control it 100 percent of the time and well its pretty clear that im not in control lol. but then there is the fact that ive told him how dangerous it is and after hearing the facts he should just care or be worried or anything! and he wasnt. so i went back to anorexia and when i told him this he actually had the balls to ask me if i would stick with bulimia so we could still eat together...
this is a fucked relationship.
so tonight i tested him, to see if he was serious.
me: hey why dont we get pizza tonight, ill get one and you get one
him: yeah that sounds good
me: yeah it feels like a binging kind of night.
him: binging?
me: yeah you know, binging and purging. as in im going to eat. then throw it up in the toilet like it never happened :) (i smiled at this point at him)
him: well okay i want thin crust...(blah blah blah you get the rest)
im on the road to salvation and it does not end in triple digits.
on a side note ive made a ton of friends up here so woot woot on that little nugget O' fun. one is this language teacher that got layed off, hes like 37 and an alcoholic. he is flippin hilarious.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
so im back, confused as eva!
i decided purging sucks salty balls so i want to try and quit, and amazingly enough ive gotten better-ish. the secret?
breakfast! i eat a small healthy breakfast every morning and i end up not really over eating at lunch. my weight is about the same so no complaints there ( about 102.6-103pds) i usually have half a cup of non fat greek yogurt with 10 grapes and sometimes a spoon ful of jelly if im feeling really famished. i try to keep all this around 120-200 cals. i tend to avoid lunch like the plague because thats when i tend to over eat. and for dinner since im a vegetable-A-tarian usually something with TVP ( google it, shit is ah-mazing), around 200-400 cals.
so i told boytoy about the purging...
and honestly i told him because i wanted help quitting, and to have someone care , i know thats self centered blah blah blah but i just feel so alone. i wanted him to hold me and tell me he loves me and that we would get through this together. i wanted love.
he didnt care.
said i should be grateful for my disorder because other girls would kill to have my kind of self control and that i should just enjoy being thin for a while.
(words that make me want to die)
im flip flopping between wanting to get better and wanting to turn to dust.
i told him it hurts. that im doing this as a means to an end. that dying is the finish line in this and im scared by how appealing that is.
i asked him to eat breakfast with me and help me not over eat ( because i dont throw up small amounts).
this apparently was too much of a burden thrust upon him and he declined.
( i want to be held so tightly that i cant breath)
i decided purging sucks salty balls so i want to try and quit, and amazingly enough ive gotten better-ish. the secret?
breakfast! i eat a small healthy breakfast every morning and i end up not really over eating at lunch. my weight is about the same so no complaints there ( about 102.6-103pds) i usually have half a cup of non fat greek yogurt with 10 grapes and sometimes a spoon ful of jelly if im feeling really famished. i try to keep all this around 120-200 cals. i tend to avoid lunch like the plague because thats when i tend to over eat. and for dinner since im a vegetable-A-tarian usually something with TVP ( google it, shit is ah-mazing), around 200-400 cals.
so i told boytoy about the purging...
and honestly i told him because i wanted help quitting, and to have someone care , i know thats self centered blah blah blah but i just feel so alone. i wanted him to hold me and tell me he loves me and that we would get through this together. i wanted love.
he didnt care.
said i should be grateful for my disorder because other girls would kill to have my kind of self control and that i should just enjoy being thin for a while.
(words that make me want to die)
im flip flopping between wanting to get better and wanting to turn to dust.
i told him it hurts. that im doing this as a means to an end. that dying is the finish line in this and im scared by how appealing that is.
i asked him to eat breakfast with me and help me not over eat ( because i dont throw up small amounts).
this apparently was too much of a burden thrust upon him and he declined.
( i want to be held so tightly that i cant breath)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Hey girls, Boytoys mom came into town so ive been busy every single fruckin day this week. shes on one of those " healthy" diets, you know the kind where you eat right, exercise and enjoy yourself. yikes! but it has gotten me into eating breakfast again, usually a juice, or an apple but its more than i used to have. i feel better and binge less eating breakfast :)
i just got off work and im off once again to go drinking with boytoy and his mama. loves you!
i just got off work and im off once again to go drinking with boytoy and his mama. loves you!
Monday, October 24, 2011
newnewnew
new backround. new start.
i realized the cold setting wasnt bringing me in, it was bringing me down. so i updated my blogger home to something Warm.
it was brought to my attention recently that i suck, at like EVERYTHING lol. but especially the things that i cherished most, such as writing poetry and art. well yeah i can let the art thing go, it became a distant love right around the time i had a child and said child consumed my everything. i dont really miss it, but the writing, gah i took pride in that, and to be told it was childish, novice, and overtly cliche broke my heart. the worst part was that i agree with them. so im at a cross roads, i can either:
push on, try to get better, expand my horizons and submerge my everything into perfecting the art of words.
or i can stick to what im naturally proficient at, such as starving and reading.
both are a great way to spend ones free time if i do say so myself.
my weight right now is horrifying, so no matter what i need to remedy that. but the real thing i guess im asking is, if i do decide to pursue writing, would you girls help me by commenting on what is good/bad about it. i trust your opinions a hell of alot more than some over paid college professor whos only goal is to drown me in rules.
luvs yoos! meg
listening to Florence and the Machine. luvs it toos!
i realized the cold setting wasnt bringing me in, it was bringing me down. so i updated my blogger home to something Warm.
it was brought to my attention recently that i suck, at like EVERYTHING lol. but especially the things that i cherished most, such as writing poetry and art. well yeah i can let the art thing go, it became a distant love right around the time i had a child and said child consumed my everything. i dont really miss it, but the writing, gah i took pride in that, and to be told it was childish, novice, and overtly cliche broke my heart. the worst part was that i agree with them. so im at a cross roads, i can either:
push on, try to get better, expand my horizons and submerge my everything into perfecting the art of words.
or i can stick to what im naturally proficient at, such as starving and reading.
both are a great way to spend ones free time if i do say so myself.
my weight right now is horrifying, so no matter what i need to remedy that. but the real thing i guess im asking is, if i do decide to pursue writing, would you girls help me by commenting on what is good/bad about it. i trust your opinions a hell of alot more than some over paid college professor whos only goal is to drown me in rules.
luvs yoos! meg
listening to Florence and the Machine. luvs it toos!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
oh BALLS!
im sick. ive got the cough to the cold (high fives to those who get my reference) so its ToMaTo SoUp TiMe , home made of course so i know how many cals are in it :)
boytoy bought me flowers today. its the first time ive ever recieved flowers from something with a penis. feels good. feels like i won!
speaking of penis, im finally getting some.though of course when im sick my sex drive is in the toilet...
he also bought me three two liter bottles of diet soda. needless to say, i would be in heaven if it werent for the sniffles.
welp im off to cook, ill post pictures / recipe / cal content when im done.
oh and im a vegetarian sporting a chick-fil-a shirt. i prefer irony to suffering.
luv yoo, Meg-Zilla
im sick. ive got the cough to the cold (high fives to those who get my reference) so its ToMaTo SoUp TiMe , home made of course so i know how many cals are in it :)
boytoy bought me flowers today. its the first time ive ever recieved flowers from something with a penis. feels good. feels like i won!
speaking of penis, im finally getting some.though of course when im sick my sex drive is in the toilet...
he also bought me three two liter bottles of diet soda. needless to say, i would be in heaven if it werent for the sniffles.
welp im off to cook, ill post pictures / recipe / cal content when im done.
luv yoo, Meg-Zilla
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
When i get skinny again, im going to invest in a shirt that says " plump" on it.that way when the fatties confront me and say "eat a sandwich" i can fire right back that maybe they wouldnt be so disgusting if they would just put down the sandwich instead of shoving their gluttonous ways down my skinny throat.
current weight: 103pds.
i dont know if i really plan on losing weight right now, but occasionally skipping a meal sure does feel great!
this last one is of my womb monster and i. i look pretty tired ( i took a greyhound, 10hr bus rides suck balls)i took a few days off work to spend some time with him.
luvs yooos , Mega-tron.
current weight: 103pds.
i dont know if i really plan on losing weight right now, but occasionally skipping a meal sure does feel great!
luvs yooos , Mega-tron.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Dear Ana and Mia,
when im lonely, your the only ones that are there to comfort me. people are so unreliable.
thank god for ED.
....on a side note i hate the other ED. havent been poked by the BF for over 2 weeks now. FML. my vagina might turn to dust if i dont get some action soon.
Luvs you all. Megs.
when im lonely, your the only ones that are there to comfort me. people are so unreliable.
thank god for ED.
Luvs you all. Megs.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
look left.
see yourself at97pounds94pounds90pounds88pounds. Is it happiness?
now look right.
see 103 pounds of girl. five foot four, barely thin. more average than skinny. is that what i want?its what i am. i feel gross.
(is there an easier way to fall?)
I wonder if i could drop back down to 94 without anyone noticing. my pants are too tight.
ba hum bug.
working at a restaurant makes it hard to lose weight food.they claim their food is healthy. bullshit. ruined hummus for me and my coworkers though. told them it looks like my grandmothers kneecaps.
delicious right? shaved 120 cals out of my daily intake though.
see yourself at
now look right.
see 103 pounds of girl. five foot four, barely thin. more average than skinny. is that what i want?
(
I wonder if i could drop back down to 94 without anyone noticing. my pants are too tight.
ba hum bug.
working at a restaurant makes it hard to lose weight food.they claim their food is healthy. bullshit. ruined hummus for me and my coworkers though. told them it looks like my grandmothers kneecaps.
delicious right? shaved 120 cals out of my daily intake though.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
ana give me hope
stayed up way too late last night. just woke up and its like, 5 pm. ah well, it just gives me less time to eat.
im completely out of control lately. boytoy mentioned how i used to only eat one or two cookies when i was skinnier but now i eat the entire F-ing box. im such
a
pig.
current weight: 98 pds.
current mood: i feel empty, but not in the good way. (bingepurge on the horizon)
i suck.
if im lucky ill stick to tea and boba. yeah it has calories but it keeps me from binging.
meg
im completely out of control lately. boytoy mentioned how i used to only eat one or two cookies when i was skinnier but now i eat the entire F-ing box. im such
a
pig.
current weight: 98 pds.
current mood: i feel empty, but not in the good way. (bingepurge on the horizon)
i suck.
if im lucky ill stick to tea and boba. yeah it has calories but it keeps me from binging.
meg
Friday, July 22, 2011
bingepurge
4 donuts
one small bag of cheetos
one carrot
3 tablespoons peanut sauce
3 slices of "stuffed" pizza
(thinking about adding oatmeal on top of that too)
its the biggest binge ive had in a while. welp im off to purge
wish me luck
one small bag of cheetos
one carrot
3 tablespoons peanut sauce
3 slices of "stuffed" pizza
(thinking about adding oatmeal on top of that too)
its the biggest binge ive had in a while. welp im off to purge
wish me luck
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
so hot here i want to die!
He says
" im curious what you'll look like at 88"
" im proud to be with the skinniest girl in the room"
" guys love a tiny chick"
spitspewfalldownpurgingtorturemyinsides.
He says
" guys prefer chunky girls, theyre easier to talk to"
" im not really attracted to skeletons, its grotesque"
" i just want to see you that skinny, i probably wont like it"
my question?
in a room full of girls, would i be your ideal, would i stand out to you?
no. id go for the "hollywood drone" look.
fml.
im tanning tomorrow. working out more. chase the dream girls.
Meg
we will be skinny
" im curious what you'll look like at 88"
" im proud to be with the skinniest girl in the room"
" guys love a tiny chick"
spitspewfalldownpurgingtorturemyinsides.
He says
" guys prefer chunky girls, theyre easier to talk to"
" im not really attracted to skeletons, its grotesque"
" i just want to see you that skinny, i probably wont like it"
my question?
in a room full of girls, would i be your ideal, would i stand out to you?
no. id go for the "hollywood drone" look.
fml.
im tanning tomorrow. working out more. chase the dream girls.
Meg
we will be skinny
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
post whatever
i always make plans.
i failed again.
emotions got in the way.
pervy old man tried to pick me up at work.
scary old man followed me part of the way home today.
boss cut my hours.
geez im tired. i need to get more inspiration. read about success and what not.
plan from here on out. 300 cals a day.
( insert un-enthusiastic "woot woot")
meg
p.s. best ana idea ive had in a while. what about a keep sake box but instead of being filled with "trinkets and treasures" its filled with little bottles of terrible odors, like rotten flesh and hot garbage. you could just whip out a bottle whenever you were hungry and give it a whiff and BAM hunger gone...
i failed again.
emotions got in the way.
pervy old man tried to pick me up at work.
scary old man followed me part of the way home today.
boss cut my hours.
geez im tired. i need to get more inspiration. read about success and what not.
plan from here on out. 300 cals a day.
( insert un-enthusiastic "woot woot")
meg
p.s. best ana idea ive had in a while. what about a keep sake box but instead of being filled with "trinkets and treasures" its filled with little bottles of terrible odors, like rotten flesh and hot garbage. you could just whip out a bottle whenever you were hungry and give it a whiff and BAM hunger gone...
Monday, July 18, 2011
blasted food ruined my mood
( stomps feet in frustration)
Blast it all!
i went and did the ol' binge purge again last night. i was weak and boytoy suggested that i "treat" myself.
*note to EvErYoNe, never offer a mia a treat, you give an inch we take 10,000 miles.*
so of course i went overboard.
ate everything in site. threw up till i was around 95.8 last night.
woke up back up to 96 pds.
so im back with the juice till i can learn how to not eat again. i boiled up a whole butt load (one of my fav sayings) of green tea last night in preparation for todays weigh in which i knew would be terrible.
boytoy of course is totally supportive of me no matter what but doesnt know the extent of my purging addiction.
like the fact that i do it every day regardless of if ive eaten anything (hell i throw up water just because it makes me bloat...i know im weird. feeling full scares me)
or that ive been throwing up for about two years now, nearly every day.
or that i cant control it anymore...
but he does know about the whole starving thing which is not happening at the moment (ie: my massive thighs)
so back to where i was. oh yeah so pretty much as a slap in the face to mia im going to try to go two whole days without throwing up, starting today. but that means no eating. so im telling myself ill juice/ green tea/ boba for the next two days and on the third day i can either have 3 cookies or 3 donuts.
baby steps girls, baby steps.
Meg
p.s. we will be skinny
Blast it all!
i went and did the ol' binge purge again last night. i was weak and boytoy suggested that i "treat" myself.
*note to EvErYoNe, never offer a mia a treat, you give an inch we take 10,000 miles.*
so of course i went overboard.
ate everything in site. threw up till i was around 95.8 last night.
woke up back up to 96 pds.
so im back with the juice till i can learn how to not eat again. i boiled up a whole butt load (one of my fav sayings) of green tea last night in preparation for todays weigh in which i knew would be terrible.
boytoy of course is totally supportive of me no matter what but doesnt know the extent of my purging addiction.
like the fact that i do it every day regardless of if ive eaten anything (hell i throw up water just because it makes me bloat...i know im weird. feeling full scares me)
or that ive been throwing up for about two years now, nearly every day.
or that i cant control it anymore...
but he does know about the whole starving thing which is not happening at the moment (ie: my massive thighs)
so back to where i was. oh yeah so pretty much as a slap in the face to mia im going to try to go two whole days without throwing up, starting today. but that means no eating. so im telling myself ill juice/ green tea/ boba for the next two days and on the third day i can either have 3 cookies or 3 donuts.
baby steps girls, baby steps.
Meg
p.s. we will be skinny
Sunday, July 17, 2011
day one down, nine to go
i did one day of juicing (ie: juicing fruits and veggies as my only means of intake, no solids). i of course watered down the "juice" so that it was lower calories.
yesterday morning i was 96.8pds
this morning im 95.4 pds
Holy potatoes batman!
i cant believe it worked. i ended up consuming 2 watered down little cups of cucumber melon juice, and then one strong cup of tomato/onion/carrot/parsley for dinner. aside from that i had like 2 big ass cups of mint green tea with boba (my only allowance to myself so i dont binge).if i stick to this then i should be able to hit my goal weight in no time , well as long as i dont hit a massive plateau.
yesterday morning i was 96.8pds
this morning im 95.4 pds
Holy potatoes batman!
i cant believe it worked. i ended up consuming 2 watered down little cups of cucumber melon juice, and then one strong cup of tomato/onion/carrot/parsley for dinner. aside from that i had like 2 big ass cups of mint green tea with boba (my only allowance to myself so i dont binge).if i stick to this then i should be able to hit my goal weight in no time , well as long as i dont hit a massive plateau.
.Meg.
p.s. we will be skinny
Saturday, July 16, 2011
we all as humans destroy ourselves in the end, what will you choose?
"But i dont like the taste of cigarettes" she said
" Well then what about alcohol eh? Alcoholics are just a bundle of fun!"
"...but it tastes like hot piss..."
" well then lets go old school with it then. Drugs are like the carnival of self destruction."
"but i hate being dizzy! it makes my stomach hurt."
" WELL if you dont want to fill your lungs with tar and poison,turn your nose up to pickling your insides with liquor, and are too much of a baby to handle alittle spin with herion then how in the hell do you plan on killing yourself?!"
" I'll starve."
.....................................
current weight: 97.2 pds
goal weight: 88 pds
do you want to know the worst part? knowing im exactly one weeks worth of starving away from my ultimate goal, but being to weak and fucking pathetic to make it.
" Well then what about alcohol eh? Alcoholics are just a bundle of fun!"
"...but it tastes like hot piss..."
" well then lets go old school with it then. Drugs are like the carnival of self destruction."
"but i hate being dizzy! it makes my stomach hurt."
" WELL if you dont want to fill your lungs with tar and poison,turn your nose up to pickling your insides with liquor, and are too much of a baby to handle alittle spin with herion then how in the hell do you plan on killing yourself?!"
" I'll starve."
.....................................
current weight: 97.2 pds
goal weight: 88 pds
do you want to know the worst part? knowing im exactly one weeks worth of starving away from my ultimate goal, but being to weak and fucking pathetic to make it.
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