ana give me hope

stayed up way too late last night. just woke up and its like, 5 pm. ah well, it just gives me less time to eat.
im completely out of control lately. boytoy mentioned how i used to only eat one or two cookies when i was skinnier but now i eat the entire F-ing box. im such
a
pig.

current weight: 98 pds.
current mood: i feel empty, but not in the good way. (bingepurge on the horizon)
i suck.
if im lucky ill stick to tea and boba. yeah it has calories but it keeps me from binging.

meg

bingepurge

4 donuts
one small bag of cheetos
one carrot
3 tablespoons peanut sauce
3 slices of "stuffed" pizza

(thinking about adding oatmeal on top of that too)

its the biggest binge ive had in a while. welp im off to purge
wish me luck

so hot here i want to die!

He says
           " im curious what you'll look like at 88"
                         " im proud to be with the skinniest girl in the room"
                                         " guys love a tiny chick"

spitspewfalldownpurgingtorturemyinsides.

He says
             " guys prefer chunky girls, theyre easier to talk to"
                         " im not really attracted to skeletons, its grotesque"
                                      " i just want to see you that skinny, i probably wont like it"

my question?
in a room full of girls, would i be your ideal, would i stand out to you?

no. id go  for the "hollywood drone" look.


fml.
im tanning tomorrow. working out more. chase the dream girls.

Meg

we will be skinny

post whatever

i always make plans.
i failed again.
emotions got in the way.
pervy old man tried to pick me up at work.
scary old man followed me part of the way home today.
boss cut my hours.
geez im tired. i need to get more inspiration. read about success and what not.

plan from here on out. 300 cals a day.
( insert un-enthusiastic "woot woot")

meg

p.s. best ana idea ive had in a while. what about a keep sake box but instead of being filled with "trinkets and treasures" its filled with little bottles of terrible odors, like rotten flesh and hot garbage. you could just whip out a bottle whenever you were hungry and give it a whiff and BAM hunger gone...

blasted food ruined my mood

( stomps feet in frustration)

Blast it all!
 i went and did the ol' binge purge again last night. i was weak and boytoy suggested that i "treat" myself.


*note to EvErYoNe, never offer a mia a treat, you give an inch we take 10,000 miles.*

so of course i went overboard.
ate everything in site. threw up till i was around 95.8 last night.
woke up back up to 96 pds.
so im back with the juice till i can learn how to not eat again. i boiled up a whole butt load (one of my fav sayings) of green tea last night in preparation for todays weigh in which i knew would be terrible.

boytoy of course is totally supportive of me no matter what but doesnt know the extent of my purging addiction.

like the fact that i do it every day regardless of if ive eaten anything (hell i throw up water just because it makes me bloat...i know im weird. feeling full scares me)

or that ive been throwing up for about two years now, nearly every day.

or that i cant control it anymore...

but he does know about the whole starving thing which is not happening at the moment (ie: my massive thighs)

so back to where i was. oh yeah so pretty much as a slap in the face to mia im going to try to go two whole days without throwing up, starting today. but that means no eating. so im telling myself ill juice/ green tea/ boba for the next two days and on the third  day i can either have 3 cookies or 3 donuts.

baby steps girls, baby steps.

                                                                Meg
p.s. we will be skinny

day one down, nine to go

i did one day of juicing (ie: juicing fruits and veggies as my only means of intake, no solids). i of course watered down the "juice" so that it was lower calories.
yesterday morning i was 96.8pds
this morning im 95.4 pds
Holy potatoes batman!
i cant believe it worked. i ended up consuming 2 watered down little cups of cucumber melon juice, and then one strong cup of tomato/onion/carrot/parsley for dinner. aside from that i had like 2 big ass cups of mint green tea with boba (my only allowance to myself so i dont binge).if i stick to this then i should be able to hit my goal weight in no time , well as long as i dont hit a massive plateau.

.Meg.

p.s. we will be skinny

Purging hurts.

I just want to eat it all.

we all as humans destroy ourselves in the end, what will you choose?

"But i dont like the taste of cigarettes" she said

" Well then what about alcohol eh? Alcoholics are just a bundle of fun!"

"...but it tastes like hot piss..."

" well then lets go old school with it then. Drugs are like the carnival of self destruction."

"but i hate being dizzy! it makes my stomach hurt."

" WELL if you dont want to fill your lungs with tar and poison,turn your nose up to pickling your insides with liquor, and are too much of a baby to handle alittle spin with herion then how in the hell do you plan on killing yourself?!"


" I'll starve."

.....................................
current weight: 97.2 pds
goal weight: 88 pds
do you want to know the worst part? knowing im exactly one weeks worth of starving away from my ultimate goal, but being to weak and fucking pathetic to make it.