pizza.

Breakfast: one cup rice puffs - 60 cals
splash milk-30 cals


lunch: 2/3 cup roasted broccoli peppers onions and carrots - 50 cals
tomatoes and lettuce "salad"- 20

weight: 102.6 after work

dinner (sigh)- one medium pineapple and green olive pizza from dominos...yeah i ate an entire pizza oink oink lol
...purge purge purge...
weight:102.4 after purge

so all in all i think i fixed the disaster i caused. you are all so right about boytoy, he says he doesnt understand the seriousness of the situation and that if i wanted to stop then i should...and in a way i understand his ignorance to a point, like how i thought i could be ana and control it 100 percent of the time and well its pretty clear that im not in control lol. but then there is the fact that ive told him how dangerous it is and after hearing the facts he should just care or be worried or anything! and he wasnt. so i went back to anorexia and when i told him this he actually had the balls to ask me if i would stick with bulimia so we could still eat together...
this is a fucked relationship.
so tonight i tested him, to see if he was serious.

me: hey why dont we get pizza tonight, ill get one and you get one
      him: yeah that sounds good
me: yeah it feels like a binging kind of night.
      him: binging?
me: yeah you know, binging and purging. as in im going to eat. then throw it up in the toilet like it never happened  :) (i smiled at this point at him)
       him: well okay i want thin crust...(blah blah blah you get the rest)

im on the road to salvation and it does not end in triple digits.
on a side note ive made a ton of friends up here so woot woot on that little nugget O' fun. one is this language teacher that got layed off, hes like 37 and an alcoholic. he is flippin hilarious.

so im back, confused as eva!
i decided purging sucks salty balls so i want to try and quit, and amazingly enough ive gotten better-ish. the secret?
breakfast! i eat a small healthy breakfast every morning and i end up not really over eating at lunch. my weight is about the same so no complaints there ( about 102.6-103pds)  i usually have half a cup of non fat greek yogurt with 10 grapes and sometimes a spoon ful of jelly if im feeling really famished. i try to keep all this around 120-200 cals. i tend to avoid lunch like the plague because thats when i tend to over eat. and for dinner since im a vegetable-A-tarian usually something with TVP ( google it, shit is ah-mazing), around 200-400 cals.

so i told boytoy about the purging...
and honestly i told him because i wanted help quitting, and to have someone care , i know thats self centered blah blah blah but i just feel so alone. i wanted him to hold me and tell me he loves me and that we would get through this together. i wanted love.
he didnt care.
said i should be grateful for my disorder because other girls would kill to have my kind of self control and that i should just enjoy being thin for a while.
(words that make me want to die)
im flip flopping between wanting to get better and wanting to turn to dust.
i told him it hurts. that im doing this as a means to an end. that dying is the finish line in this and im scared by how appealing that is.
i asked him to eat breakfast with me and help me not over eat ( because i dont throw up small amounts).
this apparently was too much of a burden thrust upon him and he declined.
( i want to be held so tightly that i cant breath)

Hey girls, Boytoys mom came into town so ive been busy every single fruckin day this week. shes on one of those " healthy" diets, you know the kind where you eat right, exercise and enjoy yourself. yikes! but it has gotten me into eating breakfast again, usually a juice, or an apple but its more than i used to have. i feel better and binge less eating breakfast  :)
i just got off work and im off once again to go drinking with boytoy and his mama. loves you!