update

I guess its about time i do a new post (though i dont blame those of you who have forgotten about me and my mindless ramblings).
Around election time i went and lost my mind. i decided to take a trip to Chicago and then D.C. with my Ex boyfriend turned Gay new best friend. i left on a train around 96 pounds with a kidney infection bad enough to have me pissing blood and a pocket full of meds. I arrived in Chicago running on little more than a handfull of granola and soda water to blistering cold winds and my so called best friend in a tizzy over some work schedule mishap.
blah blah blah lets just jump to the good stuff...
-------airplane---------
i arrive in D.C. at the home of boytoys mother. we of course do the usual touristy shit instead of doing what i would have prefered ( hit up the best punk bars and art museums) the entire time i was there i had a fever that hovered between 100-102 degress F. and threw up 4 times a day (on purpose of course because im fucking We Todd Did) chugged bottles of wine, danced naked in the gym showers (wasted) dyed my hair green, attempted to peirce my lip,rejected boytoys wedding proposal, and painted a picture of large black bum in an art class.
i arrive home 12 days later at exactly ninty pounds and demanding vodka shots.
   Joe ( new bf) was less than thrilled to say the least.
thus began my health crusade!  (yay fireworks, sprinklers, and titty bar dancers everywhere). it was long and shitty and though im not 100 percent ( i still throw up every other day or so and drink vodka like its my life force) i can happily say i am the proud owner of tits and ass at a whopping 109pds. (5'5 inchs tall for those into stats)
ermm i wish there was more...oh yeah i now have tattoo as well, covers from inbetween my tits to around my nipples and down to my belly button, its an empty bird cage surrounded by opium poppies.
love you all and wish you the best.
Meg

had my core ripped out of my chest

shaved my head

gained weight

lost weight

worked too much

quit my job

contemplated suicide

still not sure which road to take

just wanted to drop in and say i miss you girls. i dont have internet where im staying. im about 100pds right on the dot. blah , i told myself i cant off myself till im at least 88. that also gives me time to change my mind lol.

finding hope in some new friends. they give me meaning and dont think im a hideous monster. loves them too

pizza.

Breakfast: one cup rice puffs - 60 cals
splash milk-30 cals


lunch: 2/3 cup roasted broccoli peppers onions and carrots - 50 cals
tomatoes and lettuce "salad"- 20

weight: 102.6 after work

dinner (sigh)- one medium pineapple and green olive pizza from dominos...yeah i ate an entire pizza oink oink lol
...purge purge purge...
weight:102.4 after purge

so all in all i think i fixed the disaster i caused. you are all so right about boytoy, he says he doesnt understand the seriousness of the situation and that if i wanted to stop then i should...and in a way i understand his ignorance to a point, like how i thought i could be ana and control it 100 percent of the time and well its pretty clear that im not in control lol. but then there is the fact that ive told him how dangerous it is and after hearing the facts he should just care or be worried or anything! and he wasnt. so i went back to anorexia and when i told him this he actually had the balls to ask me if i would stick with bulimia so we could still eat together...
this is a fucked relationship.
so tonight i tested him, to see if he was serious.

me: hey why dont we get pizza tonight, ill get one and you get one
      him: yeah that sounds good
me: yeah it feels like a binging kind of night.
      him: binging?
me: yeah you know, binging and purging. as in im going to eat. then throw it up in the toilet like it never happened  :) (i smiled at this point at him)
       him: well okay i want thin crust...(blah blah blah you get the rest)

im on the road to salvation and it does not end in triple digits.
on a side note ive made a ton of friends up here so woot woot on that little nugget O' fun. one is this language teacher that got layed off, hes like 37 and an alcoholic. he is flippin hilarious.

so im back, confused as eva!
i decided purging sucks salty balls so i want to try and quit, and amazingly enough ive gotten better-ish. the secret?
breakfast! i eat a small healthy breakfast every morning and i end up not really over eating at lunch. my weight is about the same so no complaints there ( about 102.6-103pds)  i usually have half a cup of non fat greek yogurt with 10 grapes and sometimes a spoon ful of jelly if im feeling really famished. i try to keep all this around 120-200 cals. i tend to avoid lunch like the plague because thats when i tend to over eat. and for dinner since im a vegetable-A-tarian usually something with TVP ( google it, shit is ah-mazing), around 200-400 cals.

so i told boytoy about the purging...
and honestly i told him because i wanted help quitting, and to have someone care , i know thats self centered blah blah blah but i just feel so alone. i wanted him to hold me and tell me he loves me and that we would get through this together. i wanted love.
he didnt care.
said i should be grateful for my disorder because other girls would kill to have my kind of self control and that i should just enjoy being thin for a while.
(words that make me want to die)
im flip flopping between wanting to get better and wanting to turn to dust.
i told him it hurts. that im doing this as a means to an end. that dying is the finish line in this and im scared by how appealing that is.
i asked him to eat breakfast with me and help me not over eat ( because i dont throw up small amounts).
this apparently was too much of a burden thrust upon him and he declined.
( i want to be held so tightly that i cant breath)

Hey girls, Boytoys mom came into town so ive been busy every single fruckin day this week. shes on one of those " healthy" diets, you know the kind where you eat right, exercise and enjoy yourself. yikes! but it has gotten me into eating breakfast again, usually a juice, or an apple but its more than i used to have. i feel better and binge less eating breakfast  :)
i just got off work and im off once again to go drinking with boytoy and his mama. loves you!

newnewnew

new backround. new start.
 i realized the cold setting wasnt bringing me in, it was bringing me down. so i updated my blogger home to something Warm.
  it was brought to my attention recently that i suck, at like EVERYTHING lol. but especially the things that  i cherished most, such as writing poetry and art. well yeah i can let the art thing go, it became a distant love right around the time i had a child and said child consumed my everything. i dont really miss it, but the writing, gah i took pride in that, and to be told it was childish, novice, and overtly cliche broke my heart. the worst part was that i agree with them. so im at a cross roads, i can either:
push on, try to get better, expand my horizons and submerge my everything into perfecting the art of words.
or i can stick to what im naturally proficient at, such as starving and reading.
both are a great way to spend ones free time if i do say so myself.
my weight right now is horrifying, so no matter what i need to remedy that. but the real thing i guess im asking is, if i do decide to pursue writing, would you girls help me by commenting on what is good/bad about it. i trust your opinions a hell of alot more than some over paid college professor whos only goal is to drown me in rules.

luvs yoos! meg
listening to Florence and the Machine. luvs it toos!

oh BALLS!
              im sick. ive got the cough to the cold (high fives to those who get my reference) so its ToMaTo SoUp TiMe , home made of course so i know how many cals are in it :)
boytoy bought me flowers today. its the first time ive ever recieved flowers from something with a penis. feels good. feels like i won!
      speaking of penis, im finally getting some.though of course when im sick my sex drive is in the toilet...
he also bought me three two liter bottles of diet soda. needless to say, i would be in heaven if it werent for the sniffles.
welp im off to cook, ill post pictures / recipe / cal content when im done.

oh and im a vegetarian sporting a chick-fil-a shirt. i prefer irony to suffering.

luv yoo, Meg-Zilla